It’s a term that describes a situation that many of us fall into when we just feel (for want of a better word) meh.
Whilst not trying to discount anyone’s experience of “the funk”, I do think creatives feel this on a completely different level. A level which seems intense, almost saturating.
For all my life, I’ve considered myself out of the box, a bit of a creative and a little bit of a free spirit, one friend called me “quirky” once and I guess that stuck with me but from my “quirkiness” comes my uniqueness, my USP, Natalie I guess. My “quirkiness” has allowed me to pursue roads and avenues such as poetry, radio, music, beauty and more. I work in an office 9-5 but I really come alive when I get to explore my creativity.
I used to LOVE writing poems and stories, mostly about what love would feel like, at an age where I was around 13 or so. I remember showing my dad I poem I had written and I will never forget his face, he is not one for high praise but I saw something like surprise in his face, that I, at such a young age could write something so strong and vivid about feelings I hadn’t even possessed yet. I knew I had a special something but being a creative, your mind wonders and so, I left poems and went onto music…turns out I suck at learning music, I never had the persistence for it.
After realising how bad I was at music I decided that radio presenting would be my next best option as it combined the two things I loved best – talking and music. So I dropped out of uni for the 3rd time and dedicated 3 years of my life studying and practicing what I could for radio. I was certain I was going to be the next Nev, Margarita or Clara out there on the airwaves. I mean, I LOVED university radio. I had my own 2 hours slot (albeit at midnight, because apparently, no one likes Urban music) and I did my very best, even won my first award (issued by my uni) and received amazing feedback from a national radio station competition. THIS, this was my calling, but with all things university, it was just a bubble and that bubble burst when I finished university and went out into the real world trying to make a name for myself as this new female radio personality. Turn’s out, I couldn’t play what I wanted and I couldn’t set up the show and content that I wanted and everything, EVERYTHING was decided for me. I felt sick. I thought that was my calling and I thought I was good at it. It was in April 2013 that I realised radio was not for me. I left the community radio station who were amazing enough to give me a slot right out of uni and I’ve never thought about it again.
Then came blogging.
Blogging is where my heart has been and I love it, it feels right even if the community is unbelievably saturated nowadays. I always try to remain true to me and what I love instead of following suit, but over the past few years, I can’t even put it into words but this funk has been here and for the first time in my life, I don’t know what I need to do as a creative to release it and it’s killing me on the inside.
I know I have a lot to offer, not just lipstick and selfies, there is more to me but I can’t seem to find it, years of low self-esteem have led me to a place I’m finding it hard to get out of.
My head is cloudy.
My head is cloudy.